Be open to whatever comes next

2019 basically said, “but did you die tho?

I saw this quote the other day and it made me laugh, not just because I thought it was funny but also because it totally resonated. “But did you die tho?” definitely summed up part of 2019 for me. You see, at the beginning of the year it felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I questioned what and who I thought I knew and of course I questioned myself. While questioning is a good thing, there’s usually one big problem. We’re not really ready for the answer. The truth often isn’t that beautiful and so we consciously and unconsciously choose not to face it. When life becomes too painful, when we’re really hurting, our first inclination is to crawl under a rock, huddle up into a ball and close ourselves off from everyone and everything. I had done this many times in the past, but this time I remembered that when you ask questions, you also have to be ready and willing to receive the answers. You have to do the exact opposite of what comes naturally… you have to stay open. You have to open up even more than before. And so I did. And I didn’t die.

On January 1st 2019 I wrote and sent this message to my friends and family. “This year, not a New Year’s wish but instead a New Year’s reminder: Life doesn’t happen to you but FOR you! I’ve learned that growth lives on top of the hill we usually don’t want to climb and blessings are hidden in every experience, no matter what things look like. If only we are willing to breathe through feelings of unease and see what Life is really showing us. Trust that Life knows best. Your Soul has a plan. Have faith in the journey. So this new year, Let Life Happen For You. Life is always in the right anyway. Happy 2019.”

Now if I ever doubted the power of words, I don’t anymore. I wrote those words and Life, almost immediately, gave me the opportunity to stand in, on and for them. And so when the shit hit the fan, I made a conscious decision to open up completely and actually let life happen for me. I made a conscious decision to trust that whoever and whatever crossed my path was there because it or they were part of my journey. I decided to surrender to life and finally, really, actually trust that every experience and everyone had something to teach me. About life. About me. I decided to see and experience everyone and everything as part of my growth. I decided to consciously question and consciously open myself up to the truth, whatever that truth entailed. And I decided to share it… it’s how this blog page came to be. This is me sharing.

Looking back I can honestly say that I am grateful for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly and the brutal. Was I grateful right away? Hell no! I am way too human and definitely not that enlightened yet. I went through disbelief (like, is this seriously happening, is this for real??), overwhelming pain, anger, rage, grief, premature acceptance (yup, it’s when you think you’re over it but you’re really not), some more anger and disbelief (can’t believe this really happened), then the sadness and then finally true acceptance. But I consciously went through it all. I consciously decided to let myself feel everything. I didn’t act tough, I didn’t act like I wasn’t hurt. I talked about it with friends (thank you for holding space for me to do so) and I talked to God. I didn’t hide my pain from anyone. I screamed and cried when I had to and wasn’t concerned with how it looked or who would think what. And that made all the difference. I was open to fully experiencing (this not so fun part of) life and it enabled me to move through the process without obstacles, delays and detours.

A deep knowing settled. Everything that happened, needed to in order for me to be who and where I am today. My experiences offered me the opportunity to learn and practice self-love with lots of self-compassion. They showed me why, how and where I was holding on to things and people that didn’t serve me. They showed me what I was denying and what I was resisting. Questioning my experiences and myself also brought to light the stories I was telling myself and how they were shaping the life I was living. I gained knowledge and wisdom and grew more into myself. And I now understand deeply that all I’m ever in control of is the energy I bring and how I respond to what and who Life sends my way.

Do the best you can until you know better. And when you know better, do better. ~ Maya Angelou

I know better, so I consciously choose to do better. And because I sometimes wish I had chosen a more graceful way, a less painful way to learn and grow through life, I now seriously pay attention to whatever life is trying to tell me. I no longer choose to ignore what I know. I consciously listen to the whispers, I am aware of the nudges and I pay close attention to my intuition. I no longer talk myself in or out of things. Life leads, I follow.

So what are my reminders for the coming year? To live intentional. To choose consciously. To be more aware. To easily and gracefully release what’s not meant for me. To receive fully and gratefully what is. To love more. To trust in myself. To trust Life. To humbly shine as brightly as I can. To fearlessly or courageously stay open to whatever comes next. To let Life happen FOR me… Always.