Do what you fear

We need to talk about our fears. We really have to. We all have fears, but we rarely feel comfortable admitting we do. We’re so clever at hiding them even from ourselves, that most of us often don’t even know when it’s fear talking. Did you know that fear more often than not dictates our decisions?

Although fear is a powerful and primitive emotion that was critical to the survival of our ancestors, it now seems like fear is affecting modern day (wo)man more than it did our cave(wo)man ancestors. The fears most of us are now experiencing are not life threatening, but left denied, hidden and unattended to, they can have an extremely negative impact on the way we live our lives. I’m talking about the fear of failure, the fear of disappointing others or being disappointed by others, of not being (good) enough, of being alone, of not being liked, of being judged, and so on. The problem is that these fears are easily hidden by the masks we put on and can go unrecognised for a very long time. I see it all around me, I see it in my clients, not only because it’s my job to but because I once found only fear right where I thought I was….

It was November and for most of my life that meant going to work in cold, rainy and windy weather, cozy evenings at home, watching the trees become bare and hearing the raindrops against the window. Living in South America, November has been warm and sunny with the occasional rain shower, not much unlike the rest of the year. It was weird at first to live in a place where the seasons don’t change.

It had been a few Novembers living in South America and even though the weather doesn’t change, my life here had gone through many seasons already. The end of the year was near and that, naturally, had me reflecting. So much had happened that past year and if I were to write a book about it, the title would be “inward” or “the work” or something along those lines.

Without planning it that way, that year had been a giant mirror, a non-stop journey into self, a deep fall into pitiless darkness where light is not found at the end of the tunnel, but rather buried deep within. At the same time it was a lesson in letting go, an exercise in forgiveness and an education in love.

While reflecting on all the inner-work I had done, the thing that struck me the most was the realisation that FEAR had recently played a way more significant role in my life than I would’ve ever wanted to admit to. And not just that year, but the past couple of years. Fear? Me? Moi? The girl, the woman who had always lived by “better an oops than a what if”? Yes, that one. Me! It still gives me an uneasy feeling to write this because I never pictured myself that way, but it is the truth and you know what they say about the truth: it will set you free. And it has.

Fear was everywhere though; it had found it’s way into my bloodstream and infected most areas of my life. The thing is fear hides itself well in stories, reasons and excuses. All very logical and acceptable but stories and reasons and excuses nonetheless. You see I had built a wall around my heart because I was not about to be anybody’s fool; that’s the story I told myself anyway. The truth was I was so afraid to feel like a fool, so terrified of being hurt, I couldn’t allow love in. Professionally I was the biggest perfectionist; I would always overdo it, spend way too much time on the smallest details and drive myself crazy. Read: I was scared of not being good enough, I was scared of failure. I could go on and on and on. Fear had snuck it’s way into my story and unbeknownst to me had become the main character. It snuck in so quietly I didn’t even notice that the “me” I knew was no longer calling the shots. I was never fearless, but I had always been brave. I’d be scared to jump just like everybody else, but I would do it anyway. I believed I’d either fly, land on solid ground or check off another lesson learned. That’s how I had always lived my life. And then all of a sudden all there was left was a me that didn’t even know how to put one foot in front of the other.

You see fear keeps us stuck. Fear only lets us see the downside. It doesn’t let us think things through. It makes us avoid things. When fear consumes us, we don’t actually choose our paths, our paths are chosen for us. Fear constricts rather than expands who we are. When fear is present, there is no room for that small still voice inside. All we can hear are the spiraling thoughts racing through our minds so gut feelings are impossible to recognise.

The great thing is one can only fool oneself for so long, because there’s another beautiful element to the truth and that is it always comes to light. Even though I wasn’t conscious of fear’s overtake for a while, my soul knew and rebelled until I had no choice but to look fear in the eyes. And that’s really the only way to do it. We break the chains that bind by doing everything in spite of our fears. The path was intense and gruelling at times, but it was mine and I chose to walk it.

The work is never done so some fear will always be present but it no longer plays the lead role in this story. The “me” I once knew slowly but surely started to re-emerge. And with a better and deeper awareness of who I am I decided to be brave again. I made myself a promise back then to face life like the spiritually grounded badass warrior I am. So every now and then I jump, because who knows… I just might fly.

Moral of this true story: be willing in spite of your fears, be ready to let the truth of who you are being come to light, take ownership, do the work required, do it some more, and some more and before you know it, you are living life like the badass you really are!