The stories we tell

The stories we tell ourselves shape our lives. They shape who we believe we are, and this belief translates into who we become. ~ John Assaraf

My official job title is Life Coach and although my work concerns most aspects of life, the title never resonated with me. So before I started my practice I decided to call it something different. Awareness Coach is what I came up with. The word “awareness” felt like a better fit to me since I wasn’t actually helping my clients with their life, but rather supported them in becoming aware. Aware of themselves. You see self-awareness is key when it comes to EVERYTHING because like I always say, it’s really all about you. The fact is though that most of us aren’t aware of how we show up. We’re not at all conscious of the fears, beliefs, defences, childhood wounds and patterns that influence, motivate and drive us. We’re unaware of the roles we play, the masks we wear and the stories we tell ourselves. We tell so many stories and in so many different ways, it’s often difficult to know what’s real and what’s not. Let me illustrate this…

Once, after being in a relationship for just over a year, I remember thinking that I wished we could go back to the way things were when we first met. I wanted to go back to the first couple of months when everything was so amazing. Of course I was wishing that because things weren’t amazing anymore, things were actually pretty shitty and so I idealised those first months. I idealised them just like I had idealised the person I was in a relationship with. And when things are idealised, they aren’t real. They’re part of a fantasy, they’re part of the story you’re telling yourself. 

In reality I wanted to go back to a time when most people consciously or unconsciously hide parts of themselves because they’re busy trying to impress you and want to be on their best behaviour. I was wishing to go back to a time when I chose not see certain things and ignore red flags because they didn’t fit the picture in my mind. But eventually we all show up as ourselves. Our flawed, scared, insecure selves. And so did he and when he did, he didn’t fit the fantasy I had built around him. Who he was showing up as did not at all fit in the story of who I saw myself growing old with. But like a lot of you, I resisted the reality of him and kept living the story, not with the real him but with my fantasy about him. I knew that to accept the real him would mean I’d have to let go of the story, I’d have to let go of the relationship and I didn’t want that. So although the real him didn’t fit my story, didn’t fit in with what I wanted and needed, I held on and kept “working on the relationship”. That’s what I told myself anyway. You see, working on relationships can also be part of a story we tell ourselves. We convince ourselves that we’re working on relationships when in reality all we’re trying to do is to get reality to be something different. We’re trying to get people to be someone other than they are, which is one of the reasons why our relationships are the state they’re in. We’re in fantasy relationships with fantasy partners. We hold on to the fantasy of who we want them to be and so they disappoint us and they’ll keep disappointing us because reality can never compete with a fantasy. 

And still we stay and we tell ourselves beautiful stories about why we stay and as the years go by, still more stories arise. You’ll hear yourself telling stories about how you can’t believe some of the things they did. It will always be about what they said, did or are doing wrong because the stories we tell depend on the wrongness of others. Have you ever heard someone share a story with you in which they themselves were the villain? Of course, we’ll admit to being a little wrong but our wrongness can almost always be explained by some bigger wrong someone else did to us. Our wrongdoings are acceptable, excusable, forgivable and often even justified. Yes, in our story we’re the hero, often enough a victimised hero but a hero nonetheless. In our stories we’re always on the right side of things. We’re the good people and for us to be able to be good, the other has to be bad. 

If we were to take a closer look, we would probably see how we’re projecting our own wrongness onto them because more often than not we blame others for exactly that which we’re doing to ourselves. But when you’re good people, when you’re the hero in your story, it’s not you, of course, who should be looking in the mirror. It’s them. Why would you, when you’ve always done your best, when you were always honest and true, when you tried to work things out, when you gave all you got. Or so your story goes. 

The above is just one type of story, but I could go on and on about the stories we tell ourselves and how they become the lives we live. I could write about the I am not (good-smart-strong) enough stories, the I am too much stories, the life is hard stories, the everyone is against me stories, the no one loves/likes/wants me stories, the I can’t do this stories, the I don’t have a choice stories, the I don’t care stories, the someday stories… you name it. We tell stories. It’s what we do. All the time. We don’t just tell stories to ourselves but to others too. And we get them to agree with and validate our stories and they get us to agree with and validate theirs or at least that’s the story they choose to believe.  

When we let go of the stories we tell about ourselves, to ourselves, we free ourselves up to actually act and fail and grow ~ Mark Manson

Now what’s the harm in living inside your own story where you’re good people? Nothing, if the story is based on the truth of who you are. Nothing, if your story serves, empowers and uplifts you and those around you. But unfortunately those are not the stories we usually tell. Most of us tell stories based on our fears, fantasies and the roles we think we have to play. This might look good on the surface and a lot of people live their whole life inside their story – even questioning reality when it comes knocking – but eventually it leads to suffering, silent or otherwise. Sticking to these stories prevents us from being real, from seeing and accepting others for who they truly are and it prevents us from having relationships based on honesty and trust with people we don’t have to perform for. It has us living make-believe lives with pretend me’s and fantasy you’s instead of living in the here and now with all of us showing up as our wonderfully flawed and vulnerable human selves. 

So yes, awareness. Self-awareness. Become aware of the stories you tell and ultimately the stories you live. It’s key, but only if you’re looking to live life true to yourself, only if you want an authentic life built on authentic relationships with people who are authentically themselves.

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